Knock, Knock, Who is there?…CPS.

One of my most vivid life altering memories was a knock on the door during dinner on a normal school night. My parents always had us eat as a family at the table. Even when at this moment it was just the three of us. Both my older sisters had moved out at this point. I don’t remember exactly how old I was.

But I remember a hard knock on the door. The three of us looked at each other puzzled. We weren’t expecting anyone. I jumped up from the table to answer it and ran to the door. I opened the door to a woman with an unsure and very stressed face. Both my nephews ran past her and hugged me. I looked for my sister, but no sign. I was lost. She asked for my parents. I remember the instant uncertainty…Something bad must have happened… I turned to my parents (we had a very open concept living portion of the hose)…”Ummm, Mom, Dad…I…she needs you.”

I played with my two nephews while they talked like the good babysitter I always was. My nephews were only 2 and 3. Both little dare devils who had no fear. They were at 100% energy all the time. Pure chaos. Also, innocent little boys who wanted love. They also rarely listened, but I think that was from no structure. No actual interaction.

The part that gets fussy, is I don’t remember where they went from there. I don’t remember if they stayed. Or if my parents sent them back with the lady. I just remember a conversation at the dinner table later on. My parents were considering letting them go into to foster care until my sister got it together. I was furious. I remember standing up and saying, “I can’t believe you would even consider letting your own family go into foster care!” I remember storming to my room and not understanding how in the world that could be an option.

I understand now that my parents were exhausted from my sister. Concerned for me and the stress this would put on the whole family. It was alot to ask someone, blood or not. Having my own child now, I’d do anything to protect her.

But, obviously, I struck a cord…the two little boys moved in. Never moved out actually. They still live with my parents almost 20 years later. They became my little brothers.

When they came to us, my sister had been arrested for possible child neglect and abuse. She often got calls on her to CPS (Child Protective Services). People didn’t like her and obviously saw signs. We rarely ever went over to her house so I’m not sure if my parents saw any signs or not. I know after years of therapy for my nephews my mother sometimes wonders how she missed some of the signs.

My sister was still chaos at 18-20 years old and it was easier to avoid I think. She was always right. Knew best. You literally couldn’t tell her anything. She was often on a substance. She was also very dirty. Physically and her surroundings. Her boyfriends were always the same. Creepy men who did substances as well or liked her wild attention seeking self. One of her boyfriend’s got into a fight with a neighbor and broke his arm right outside his front door. I think my parents were like “well, she’s grown? and supposedly can handle herself”

***Trigger Warning – Child Abuse/Neglect***

When the CPS agent went to the home, she didn’t see the children. She asked where they were and my sister said “Oh, they are taking a nap in their room”. Obviously being a decent agent, she refused to leave until she saw the two boys were okay. They weren’t. They were locked in bedroom with nothing but a mattress on the floor that was covered in feces. There was feces all over the walls that they had painted the walls with their little hands.

She also noticed that the youngest one was walking a tad odd. He was two should be walking pretty well. But he was walking on the sides of his feet as much as he could. She picked him up and looked at his feet. He had grill grate marks on his feet. To the point of blisters…on BOTH feet. (If you step on something hot, you don’t step with the other foot)…He was held to a grate. Never administered any care.

She had them taken to the hospital and it was confirmed there had been physical and sexual abuse to him. I’m not sure if they checked my other nephew. My sister had been living with a boyfriend and its believed he was the one abusing him…but honestly…I think it was both. The boys were too young to say anything. They didn’t hardly talk. The only interaction they really had was each other. I think they were both sick and hurt her children together. Both her boys were by one man…his 2nd cousin? Or something wild. I do know they are family somehow.

The current boyfriend and her did have a child together as well (We are up to 3 kids). A little girl…who was her pride and joy. She was an infant. The little girl was not subject to the abuse. She was usually with her other grandma. That grandma did adopt her and raise her. My sister just reconnected with her about a year ago.

My sister didn’t have any other kids. She also never got her kids back. She went to jail for a few years. Claims she never hurt her children. I’m not sure if my nephews have ever come out about it or if it’s a suppressed memory for them still. When she got out of jail she wasn’t allowed to be around her kids alone. She wasn’t allowed to sleep in the same house as them…so for once, that meant my house was safe from her legally.

Sometimes I wonder if my defiant self ruined my parents’ life. They have had to put up with years of stress raising my nephews with no clear end in site. My sister would come back and try to be the award-winning mom, but a few minutes into the visit she would be mouthing off to the boys. As I got older, I couldn’t tolerate how she spoke to them. Annoyed with them. As if they asked to be there and put through hell constantly by her rollercoaster love.

I remember when I had my daughter, she couldn’t wait to meet her. She came to the house shortly after she was born and said “I’ll watch her anytime, you just let me know.”

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTTTT. I smiled and said thanks.